Yesterday, I achieved one of my lifelong dreams: my story, “In The Employee Manual Of Madness,”  unmasking the true, horrific nature of the world of pizza delivery, came out in Alex Shvartsman’s The Cackle of Cthulhu.

For those who are concerned that combining H.P. Lovecraft and Pizza would ruin something wholesome and comforting, don’t worry: I have toned down the portrayal of pizza in this story. But just to whet your appetite (so to speak), an excerpt, detailing the standards for Great Old Pizza:

Dough:

Dough should be flabby, pale, and quivering slightly. Discard any quiescent dough.

Goat-With-A-Thousand-Young-Cheese:

Cheese should show grayish-green mold at all times. Unhealthy (white or pink) cheese should be fed Ground Chuck for one day, and be discarded if it does not return to health.

Sossoth:

IMPORTANT: Pizza Sossoth NEVER goes bad. If you receive complaints about black Sossoth from Deep Ones assure them that it is a blessing of the Great Old Ones. If they continue to complain, or if humans complain, give them a refund if there are any witnesses. Otherwise, lure them into the back where they may be sacrificed for blasphemy. Be VERY CAREFUL about the witnesses – Elder Mgmt.

Preparation (Prep):

(IMPORTANT: These are not full recipes. For full recipes, refer to the copy of the Necronomnomnomnicon Possessed by Elder Management.)

Pizza: Managers will ensure that the Ritual of Pizza-making is clearly posted and followed. All pizzas will be prepared with a minimum of ¼-cup of Sossoth and 1/3-cup of Goat-With-A-Thousand-Young Cheese.

Sides: Fried cthulhumari and Onion Things will be dipped in Yog-Urt-Sothoth and rolled in bread crumbs fresh daily.