Eggs Contain Eggs

Sorry that Tuesday’s blog is late.

Just what, please tell me, have we come to as a society? So, I’m at this camp for reasons, and they’ve put up the menu for breakfast where over 100 people eat together. Among other items it includes:

Eggs (contains eggs)

Seriously, people, I shit you not: Eggs contain eggs. Is this really where we are now, that we have to emphasize that a thing is itself? My six year-old should be able to tell that eggs are in eggs. Which is it: do we really think that people are that stupid, or do we think that people are that schemingly litigious? Because either one is a bad sign. I’m sorry, I’m no fan of Scrooge’s “decrease the surplus population” philosophy, but at this point, we can’t afford to have you around if we need to clarify to you that eggs contain eggs. Because people I happen to like have to share this planet with you, and I really can’t handle the possibility that they might be around you if you should suddenly fail to grasp the more complicated concept that, say, people die when you kill them.

If it’s the latter, then could we please just have the lawsuit already? Because here’s how it should go:

LAWYER: “Your honor, my client suffered grievous injury at Camp Muckymuck because the defendants failed to advise him that the eggs served for breakfast contain eggs, an allergen that he advised them he was allergic to.”

JUDGE: “I sentence you and your client to be deprived of the oxygen you wasted for the length of time you billed him for, plus the time you have been in my courtroom, thus returning it to those who will use it more wisely.”


“Next case.”


Hey, yes, they ARE serious. So serious that if you have them, you really need to pay attention. I certainly wouldn’t object to the OTHER notices on the board. Here was one:

Granola (contains wheat)

Now THAT makes perfect sense. Not all granola contains wheat. Someone might assume it didn’t have any. But can we please just agree that there’s a huge difference between that and recognizing that a thing contains the thing? That a thing IS itself? Please. This is why people from other countries make fun of us. They figure we must really be this dumb. There’s a certain point at which protecting us from ourselves actually hurts us. And it was some time before this.

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