Top Gun: Maverick SCRIPT RELEASED!!

Spoiler Warning! What you are about to see is the complete and unedited script of the soon-to-be-released movie TOP GUN: MAVERICK. Rather than rely on dubious methods such as paying insiders to smuggle out the script, we have deduced its contents by consulting our memory of the first movie, watching the trailer for this one, and thinking for five minutes.

SCENE 1: CO’S OFFICE

CO: “Maverick, get in here. You’re a terrible officer and a burnout and I don’t like you.”

MAVERICK: “That’s because you’re bald and haven’t got two hot girls a day begging for your children.”

CO: “Obviously, but I can’t fire you because despite your dead-end career and discipline problems, they’ve decided to make you a Top Gun instructor.”

MAVERICK: “Who’s ‘they?'”

CO: “The producers, fueled by all the cash of Generation X’s male mid-life crises, desperately trying to remember the 80s when they were cool.”

MAVERICK: “Yes, sir.”

SCENE 2: A LUDICROUSLY BIG HANGAR

TOP GUN COMMANDANT: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to introduce you to a legendary pilot who somehow is on the verge of career suicide, Maverick.”

MAVERICK: “It’s an honor to be here in your company, and I’d like to particularly thank Goose’s son, who is harboring deep-seated hatred of me for destroying his family when he was a little boy. I’d also like to express how grateful I am for the progressive and diversity-oriented military policies that have made it possible for me to chase hot female pilots twenty years my junior all through the film.”

SCENE 3: MIRAMAR

MONTAGE OF TOP GUN STUDENTS SUITING UP AND TAKING OFF

STUDENTS: “We’re going to kick this old guy’s ass!”

MAVERICK’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

STUDENTS: “I can’t believe he kicked our ass!”

SCENE 4: CLASSROOM

GOOSE’S KID (GOSLING): “So, is that extremely unsafe flying that you kicked our asses with how you got my dad killed?”

MAVERICK: “As the only person in the film who didn’t see this coming: um.”

<after class>

HOT GIRL PILOT: “That wasn’t fair for him to say that.”

MAVERICK: “It wasn’t fair that I killed his dad, either.”

HOT GIRL PILOT: “Sure it was: you’re Tom Cruise, and his dad…”

MAVERICK: “Was Anthony Daniels, yeah: that doesn’t make it right.”

HOT GIRL PILOT: “Anthony Edwards.”

MAVERICK: “Yeah, whatever. Want a motorcycle ride?”

HOT GIRL PILOT: “I thought you’d never ask.”

SCENE 5: THE SKY

GOSLING: “I’ll show this guy that my dad — I mean I — am the better man!”

MAVERICK’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

GOSLING’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

GOSLING: “Oh, noes! My plan horribly failed and my plane is crashing!”

MAVERICK: “Kid! Follow all my instructions to the letter! Don’t you dare die on me! Are you listening?”

GOSLING: “I’m listening!”

MAVERICK: “Don’t hit the ground!”

SCENE 6: THE GROUND

GOSLING: “You saved my life and now I can’t be mad at you anymore. Will you be my daddy, now?”

MAVERICK: “Sure, son.”

HOT GIRL PILOT: “Does this mean I win Top Gun, now?

AUDIENCE: “Who cares?”

SCENE 7: BRIEFING ROOM

ADMIRAL: “Some foreign power who is definitely not…

…Russia because that’s too outdated
…China because we REALLY want to sell this film there
…Arab because we don’t want to draw boycotts and outrage
…Iranian because we all hate Donald Trump…

…and conveniently flies American-looking planes that we’re going to call MiG .357s because we assume the American moviegoing audience is at least as dumb as we are about foreign arsenals has launched a sneak attack that can only be solved by exactly the kind of dogfighting you’ve all just finished training for.”

SCENE 8: THE SKY

MAVERICK’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

GOSLING’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

MAVERICK’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

HOT GIRL PILOT’S PLANE: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

NAMELESS ENEMY PLANES: <EXPLODE>

ROCK MUSIC SOUNDTRACK: <GOES TO 11>

CREDITS

 

 

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